002 checkpoints vs crossings

I think it very appropriate that this be my first post. I'm not sure who is reading, so maybe if I pretend you're not there, I'll be less inclined to worry about what you think.

I've been thinking about checkpoints. In games, especially adventure ones, the hero/heroine goes through a series of checkpoints that becomes their reset default place/time in the game, designed to keep you going when you just fail. It occured to me that this move, is somewhat like that, but in a different way. See, when you hit a new checkpoint, there's no way of going back to a previous one. In a way, I have reached a point in my life where I cannot go back to my parents' house with the same circumstances as I did a couple of months ago. Doing so would be kind like making Crash Bandicoot bodyslam the little checkpoint in an effort to get the bonus play you had passed up. Idiot.

But then just this morning, I realized it is not a game. There's a choice involved, just as there is a choice in everything. I found myself thinking of what home means, and realized that even though I am sleeping 360 miles away, I don't have to change my home address on my GPS. I don't have to trade in that inexplicable feeling of joy when I punch in "navigate to home." Just as some people might choose to let that go, I can choose to hold on. Not everything has to be absolute. Or forever.

There are things in life that are worth holding onto a little longer, and things that should have been let go a little sooner. I've gone a little ways away from where I needed to be this past year. For a while, I felt broken and have tried to fix it in different ways. Maybe this is the thing that I have NOT been praying for, because really I don't think my halfhearted murmurs go past my wall. I don't know if it was six months ago or just right before quitting time (graduation), that I made a conscious decision to leave God outside of my life. If I had to pick out one regret out of the entire last year, it would be this. Because, as most of you who have known the story of my family, there is no way I would have made it this far without Him. And quite frankly, I'm done pretending I can go any further on my own.

I went to bed at 1:00 am and next checked my clock at around 4:30, and I drive 7 hours today to my new apartment. I don't know if I had been sleeping or had been awake the whole time, and it got me nervous. It was in this small moment of panic that I decided to go run this morning. Not away from, but after and towards Him... And this crazy-ass thing called His plan.